A note from mom

Please be gentle, this isn't exactly a topic that is widely discussed outside of support groups.

I've been feeling a little guilty lately, because I wasn't instantly 100% excited when the ultrasound tech told Trent and I we were having a boy. And I'm still getting over it. I thought for sure it would be a girl! I've always had a girl named picked (since I was about 10...), but just started thinking of boy names in case he did turn out to be a boy. I was happy to hear he was healthy and growing, but expressed a little disappointment over the past few days that he's not a girl. Especially working at the Zoo, where I probably see the worst of kids (excited, tired, and hopped up on sugar). I know I'll get over that, especially when I meet him, and have taken steps to bond with our little boy. Trent has been more accepting of baby now too, since we know he is happy and healthy in his temporary lodging.

When we go for these anatomy ultrasounds, the expectant moms and dads tend to forget it's a diagnostic tool above all else. The techs and doctors couldn't care less if it's a boy or a girl. They're checking brain, spine and heart development.

Well, what has helped me start bonding with my boy this week is knowing he is healthy. All 10 fingers and toes, a perfectly developing brain and heart. After previous heartache, Trent and I found ourselves feeling distant from Little Bean, not wanting to believe he's real until we thought he had a great chance at surviving. It's too hard to get so involved and get hurt. Stupid thoughts, as I know we would have been devastated no matter what, if something had happened to our dear little one.

What helped bring this all home, is 3 ladies on my December Mama's support forum. Two had their anatomy scans in the past couple of weeks. One scan found her baby with a severe congenital heart defect that might be inoperable.

Another? Found her baby severely underdeveloped. One hand has no fingers and is missing bones. The upper lip isn't closed. The left side of his heart is a lot smaller than the right. The spine is not aligned.

Another lady is just past 16 weeks. She hasn't felt movement in a few days, and her midwife hasn't found the heartbeat. She's going for an ultrasound this weekend, but not holding out much hope. Her last pregnancy ended at 16 weeks as well. The girl she's carrying is named Ella.

My heart goes out to them all. They didn't care if they had a boy or a girl, just that it was healthy. Here I was, the ultimate Type-A planner, hoping for a girl and automatically thinking "of course my baby is healthy. There's really no other option". Well, I got a boy, and a very healthy one at that. And that's really all that matters.

Please send positive vibes to "Moo Maw", "Emerson", and "Eviecat". They need them. And go hug your boys and girls.